Too much Hard Candy is bad for you

You've probably heard at least some of Madonna's newest album Hard Candy. Lucky you. That means you've turned on a TV or Radio at some point in the last couple of weeks. There are a few tracks on Hard Candy that aren't all that bad, but as a whole the album is determinedly average. '4 Minutes' has got to be one of the most irritating tracks on the album. The whole track sounds like it's just about to get started, but never actually does, even with the enjoyably ominous backing. If Madonna was a Sith Lord this would be her Imperial March. Wait, maybe she is a Sith Lord. She never seems to die, and you only see her wrinkles when she reveals her evil side. In one song he even claims to be able to recognise people better then the devil. Unfortunately no Sith Lord would ever be satisfied with lyrics as stupid as those in '4 minutes'.
"If you want it, You already got it; If you thought it, It better be what you want; If you feel it, It must be real; Just say the word and imma give you what you want"
What the hell does that even mean? Is that what she says to the starving African's she doesn't adopt, "Don't worry, if you want it, you already got it"? That must be comforting. Still, at least that makes semi-sense in comparison to "If you thought it, it better be what you want". Is that a threat? Can she read our minds now? (Sith can do that.) Oh god no! I was thinking about pickles, just for a second, and now Madonna is going to make me have them on my cheeseburgers, even though I hate them! Aagh! That's the sort of power she has. The only solution is to just not think about anything in case you don't actually want it. Trying to get everyone to switch their brains off is clearly her evil plan to sell more albums. Don't even get me started on the ludicrously American-self-help-individualistic-me-me-me-consumerist-buy-more-crap theme implied by those lyrics. How very spiritual and Kabbalah of her. Still, I can't imagine I will ever grow tired of hearing Justin whine 'Ma-donna'. Sounds like he can't decide if he wants her to spank him or give him a cookie.
What happened to the days of Madonna actually being a bit challenging, rather then just the cliché of controversy she has become. Girl on girl pashing with the Brit was fun and bit conservative provoking. Pity she couldn't do the same for Justin. After his Madonna interlude, he's still a preppy boy with a slightly naughty side. Wow, shocking. The most revealing aspect of Hard Candy is just how crap her relationship with Guy Ritchie is. The implications of the lyrics in 'Miles Away' would be enough, but there is no need to read between the lines with 'She's Not Me'. You have to wonder how cynically she views her own 'work' now. She marries a man who has little time for the music she produces, and doesn't let her children consume pop culture, particularly TV, even though that same pop culture is what made her who she is. She seems to think she and her family are above the popular drivel that she flogs to the masses for millions of dollars. No wonder she doesn't bother trying to write decent lyrics, we're all probably to stupid to get them anyway.
What irks about Hard Candy is that it sounds so middle of the road, even familiar. In listening to the album you frequently feel like you are having flash backs to her past albums, in tone, in tune, even in little scraps of lyric. Despite that, or maybe because of that, there are tracks I like, that I will actually choose to listen to. In particular 'Dance 2night' makes you feel warm inside because it sounds like she could have written it 15 years ago, and in a similar way so does 'Give it 2 Me'. Even 'Candy Shop' and 'Beat Goes On' have their appeal with sparse and catchy beats. They don't feel clever or inspiring, but they will undoubtedly slosh around in my head for a while.
Timbaland has turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Picking her producers has always been where Madge's talent lay, but Timbaland is simply adequate. It makes you miss the days of Stuart Price, Mirwais and William Orbit, who all tried to make her sound very different from the way she'd sounded before. Timbaland has just recylced old Madonna aesthetic and thrown in a few gimmicks (chimes anyone, or perhaps a mid song slow-down fade-out). If Madonna really wants to still be cutting edge, for her next album she should remix and mash-up herself. Rather then write songs that sound like the sort of things she has written in past, she should just actually use her old stuff and re-interpret it. She could get in a few hip indy/mash-up djs and producers, and have them completely rework her stuff. Something like Shirley Bassey redoing 'History Repeating' with the Propellerheads. Some of the best Madonna I've heard in recent years is via other artist. Hearing Pink cover Madonna in a megamix of her own stuff in concert, or catching a snippet of her in the Avalanches. An album where she got other artists to do this for her could be really wonderful. Maybe I'll like Hard Candy better in ten years time when I hear it remixed by the Chemical Brothers.